me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
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Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Me too 😆
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!