Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
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We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
hmmm
