Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
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I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Great Canadian literature.
Bars should have claw machines with loose cigarettes and taquitos
Waking up a teen for school:
1st try: Time to wake up.
3rd try: Please get up.
10th try: GET UP NOW!Teen: Why are you yelling?
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Labreador
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .