Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.

Mantra at the gym:

When the zombies come, cardio will matter.

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏

Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.

Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?

He’s making a list,
And checking it twice,
You’re gonna find number 12
Very hard to believe.
Santa Clause is working
for Buzzfeed.

If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser

Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.

Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!

Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.

*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want one

My ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?

Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”

Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..

Having sex is weird.

You deplete me

Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.

Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.

Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.

Me: Can…can I join, too?

Teacher: Name the continents

Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…

T: Go on

Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?

T: *sigh*

Me: South Arctica?

Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE

opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day

Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..

#Caturday

My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table

This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…