ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
A hacker called me and said he had all my passwords. I got a pen and paper and said ‘Thank God for that, what are they?’
