Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
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friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
he’ll never suspect a thing
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Ok but actually
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.