Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
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My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
🚲+physics = winner
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.