Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
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Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
😭😭
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Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses