Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.

one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.

I’m well into my third quarantine then.

Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

me after drinking all the wine:

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.

ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke

I don’t use the Gregorian calendar anymore but instead have moved on to the one God intended us to use — the Costco calendar.

Halloween was back in August, it’s currently the middle of Christmas, and I’m looking forward to January when summer arrives.

Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”

Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”

Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want

Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.