Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
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last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Fights fire with marshmallows
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
That’s someone else’s problem.
-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
Although Paul Simon doesn’t specifically list it in the song, one of the 50 ways to leave your lover is murder.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
We don’t deserve birds.
