Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
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Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
no exceptions
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint