Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

Me: i’m so hungover.

Wife: what do you need?

Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.

Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*

Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?

Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh

I have never related to a cat more

I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.

I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.

Me: when I was your age we had nine planets

6: what happened? We only have 8 now.

Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.

6: 😳

Hubby: um honey…

Me: what? It’s better than the truth!

husband: Now is the time to start prepping for dinner, what do we want to get out?

me: How about a pork loin? I think pork loin is my favorite thing that you make.

17yo: I thought we were your favorite thing Dad made.

[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?

My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.

Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

Cop 1: There’s been another murder

Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging

Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus

Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.