Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

How to shape your eyebrows

A thread

Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?

Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.

Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring

He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes

Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.

3am

Me: *wakes up for no reason*

Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*

Bladder: We should pee.

Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!

It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?

My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know

me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–

person: *losing interest*

me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop

S/o to @funTweeters .

I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.

Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.

need a new bf mines broken 😐