Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
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Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time and then they marry each other.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
Me: [smiling]
Phone: face not recognized
Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]
Phone: oh there you are
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Today is the perfect day to hide Easter eggs. They’ll never expect it.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.