Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.

Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.

Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.

Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.

Me: OMG, what!?

Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.

Me: Phew.

Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!

this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?

(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)

Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.

I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.

Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:

[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

Ok I’m going to read my question six more times to try to understand your answer
-reading my manager’s reply

The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.

Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.

I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.

I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary

wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought

me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did

Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”

[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED