Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that

People accuse me of never giving a damn about anyone but myself, but I distinctly remember saying ‘bless you’ when someone sneezed last year

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?

Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”

The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up

Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.

A dad and his duck

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?

Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*

Me: yes.

Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩

me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth

*immediately takes 2nd bite*

Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.

Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together

“I’m taking a social media break.”

– People who will be back in 7 minutes.

I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

road rage

Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?

hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.

DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool

After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 😆