Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!

me when i get home: crackers

After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.

went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅

My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

AA Counselor: what’s step one?

AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

CLASSIC ROCK DJ: What should I play?

ANGEL ON HIS SHOULDER: Wow, so many options! Decades of music and thousands of bands to choose from!

DEVIL ON HIS SHOULDER: What about the same 14 songs over and over again?

I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.

Then I saw her arguing with him about money.

Now I see Santa drinking by himself.

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

Me: I’m so stressed

Heart: play some music you’ll feel better

Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better

Brain: cut all your hair off

Me: wait what?

Brain: today.

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.

[God making humans]

*watches YouTube video*

“Okay, got it!”

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses