Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂

Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.

Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.

[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous

welp

Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!

GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo

*family screams*

SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.

Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker

You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers

It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them

WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house

ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why

You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”

When your best mate counts as a desk too

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch