Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
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[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food
That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.