Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”

RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?

HAIR: Yeah!

RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.

I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”

Now we wait.

me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates

me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower

I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.

Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.

I still like to cuddle though.

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table

No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool

Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for

What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.

*Middle of dinner*

My kid: Can I have a snack?

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this

I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.

Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2

Friend: What?

Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn

Friend: Who hurt you?

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.

IT guy: How much Internet do you need?

My folks: 10,000

(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that

me: bless me father for i have sinned

mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time

“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.

*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*

My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

The only good comments section online is on recipes

We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.