ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
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Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Genius.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Quickie so fast, it’s called secs.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
