Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
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[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
lmao
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
me working on my assignments ^-^
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters