Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.

I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.

I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.

-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?

-No clue.

I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.

The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.

We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.

Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.

Yeah. This was me today.

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:

“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour

I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?

7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting