Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
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me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Nice try, NASA
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.