Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
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[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
💁🏻♂️
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then