Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
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Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.