Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.

[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

*Cracks knuckles*

“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”

A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow

You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…

Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

I spoke to my husband earlier

He seemed quite nice

Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled

Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala

Me: What time should I pick that up?

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe