ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
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*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer