ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
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I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Why would I want a memory pillow? Sleep is where I go to forget.
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She