Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.

Parenting is fun lol

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!

[exam room]

me: *waits patiently*

doctor: *enters physicianly*

CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…

A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?

My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.

Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy

Me: oh no!

Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels

Me: OH NO!

I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida

There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.

out-housing market appears to be strong

10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”

The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”

When they try to steal your moment.