Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”

– my first and last day as a defense attorney

If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”

On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

Me: You can’t fire me!

My circus boss: Just get in the cannon

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!

I’m Sold!

love pickles so much i put myself in one

The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

He has notifications on for me pray for his phone

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips

-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat

Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.