Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.

Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?

Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer

5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese

don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.

People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

[CAVE]

BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!

DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.

I deal with my problems in the order they were received.

Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.

you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.

me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.

The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.

That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once

I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities