Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

I’m so glad the internet is like this now.

[road trip]

ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat

FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place

ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

this country is so goddamn polarized

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.

shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!

me (has no idea what that is or means): good.

me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.

refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”

[after giving performance of a lifetime]

ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now

MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son

Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?

Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.

the greatest twitter interaction

Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.

“Let them fake cake”

Marie Internette

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af