Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

As a doctor, I can confirm

My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?

ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.

[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.

[Later]

Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit

Yes

*speed date*

Her: Hi there, my name’s —

Me: Braid my hair.

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?

And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.

Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?

Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…

When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.

The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

I’m trying to explain myself less often because:

*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*

And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!

Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him

At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?