Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
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If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Bring back the McRib
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.