Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
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“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Hero horse inspires millions
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”