Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
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“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.