Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
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sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.