Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects

SPLOOT

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance

My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro

Pal: I think you mean…

Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…

I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…

I don’t even know where Kardashia is.

(geography’s not my strong suit)

(finding some nice fresh limbs) nice… these will be perfect for my frankenstein

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield

6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

<at first day of t-ball practice>

Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell