Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

GUY: I think I’m done eating

ME: did you need a to-go box?

DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that

Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

If you want to mess with a pompous English major, tell him you’re “flustrated.”

me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*

Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.

It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.