Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:

‘What time is it?’

‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’

*blows trombone loudly*

Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’

😃

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*

Husband: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*

[Sunday morning]

*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*

– mass unfollowing

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?

*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*

Me: Sure let’s go with that.

When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me:

Obama:

Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while

Obama:

Me: like we all know who he is, but

Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™

Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms