Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.

*After roommate performs a summoning spell*

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me: So does he just live here now?

Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites

I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.

[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.

you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.

I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands

Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?

Me: Nah I just want a little.

Son: …goddammit Mom…

The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application

Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Um, the Stork.

[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.

Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to

ok I’ll buy 10 boxes

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive