Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
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If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Blew my mind.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Go gym
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.