Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

I already tried new things thanks.

Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi

Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.

Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.

“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”

“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”

“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”

I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

her: i’m leaving u

me: bc of my drinking puns

her: yes

me: alcohol u tomorrow

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you