Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
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Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.