Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”

– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum

no one:

contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.

I won every single event.

Every. Single. Event.

When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.

There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.

She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control

exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”

I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”

We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings

Sparkling homunculus??????? 🤣🤣🤣