Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

Cheer up.

What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.

And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot

Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.

ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.

If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore

Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.

You’re welcome.

Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend

Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?

My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]