Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

I self medicate, therefore you live.

Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi

When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.

I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other

Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]

Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]

Me on my deathbed: ANY day now

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.

back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive

My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.

Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?

Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!

When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.

I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work

They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes