Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
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The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.