Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
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Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Sure, I’ll come to your party
*hangs out with the Roomba when I see they have no pets
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
my dog when i have a friend over
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?