Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep

my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”

If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.

If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.

If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.

If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.

I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.

IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.

The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages

I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.

[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*

Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY

I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.

Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.

Walgreens guy: You still need to leave

That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.

Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.

Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”

The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.

Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

Pros and cons of doing something you love:

Pros: It’s something you love

Cons: Doing.