Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

DATE: What’s your favourite movie?

ME: Kill Bill

DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated

ME [long pause] Killiam William

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.

[being pulled from a burning car]

fireman: any idea how it started?

me: I used my keys

*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.

ㅤ

When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.

Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.

The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”

Eating for two.

I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.

video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.

An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.

A PEZimist fills it with candy.

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?

ME: Getting out of corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?

ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.

INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?

ME: Guess this is my time to shine.

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”

I yelled back 5309.

No one laughed.

I am old.

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

me: i don’t know what to order

waiter: the chef’s special?

me: I’m sure he is

Football player: please God, let my team win

God: ok sure, that’s simple enough

Football player on other team: God please let my team win

God: oh no

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.