Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the top of mt everest]

friend: i can’t believe we did it!

me: i know!

friend: what do you think of the view?

me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!

Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.

current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭

If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

Cardio Made Easy

Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?

I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷‍♂️

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS

Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar

Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”

What a stupid idea for a tattoo.

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000

Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.