Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.

IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that

Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907

My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.

7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel

Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”

not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos

I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.

The real controller stays on my person at all times.

Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first

My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.

12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.

You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?

That’s how I’m handling adulthood.

Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.

Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?

Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!