Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.

When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.

Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

6-year-old: You lose.

Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.

6: That was your first mistake.

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow

*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow

My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.

Good day meowlady

* tips cat

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”

YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!

RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.

YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.

I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

😲 WTF? 😆