Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature

Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!

DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.

I’m a bad bitch. Truly exceptional at being bad at everything.

Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?

Me: *turns on the blender* What?

Husband: I said…

Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!

Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.

No. He’s not coming out to play

Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.

Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.

[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this

[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today

lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.

I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

I’ve already accomplished* so much today

*been afraid of a goose

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell

Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.

Scrooge: I thought it was 3.

Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.

*skinny dips into black hole

Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah