Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

Him: Tire me out baby.

Me: *feeds him pasta*

Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…

I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…

…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

My therapist always starts our session with “How are you?” and I always say “I’m good!” and then spend the next hour talking about how I am decidedly Not Good.

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

[During Sex]

“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.

The internet is full of many things

“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.

I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad