Me: I’ll get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday.
My bladder: Hahaha.
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Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.