Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
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Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded