Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.

Mortician: Please put that back.

Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.

God: Build me an ark.

Noah: A what?

God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.

Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?

Wow my pants are really loose today

*skips to the nearest vending machine*

“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”

Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏

*I mean there’s construction on our street

A completely valid reaction tbh

[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”

[LA Earthquake]

Me: Wow, do you feel tha-

Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die

Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.

I bought a container of ice cream and it had a screw on lid. Nobody needs that kind of negativity in their life.

[breathing]

“I could do this all day.”

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

My dog couldn’t find his favorite toy so I got on my hands and knees and crawled around the house for 10 minutes looking under all the furniture, and he was SO excited for me to be down there with him, I could tell he was like “YES she finally figured out how to walk”

20’s: what even is a hangover?

40’s: puts on sunglasses to open fridge

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)

Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?

(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry