Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
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What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.