Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
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Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Normalize asking if this is an intervention whenever someone invites you over
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
I want this so bad
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.