Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?

GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.

what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose

[from the sperm donation room]

Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS

Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.

wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”

Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?

[baby finally falls asleep]

ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax

DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?

Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna

Jeff: I’m from New Jersey

Geoff: I’m from New Georsey

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time

Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.

It might have been meant for a really small family.

#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff

Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”

Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’

Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.

I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

[Trying to hire a hitman]

“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.

-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]