Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*finds another dead plant on patio*

[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

The chart results are in…

Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.

Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.

Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.

[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]

her: *glares*

me: you’re late

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*

Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

me when i smell free food in the break room

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot

Me: Did you end it early?

Date: No I wanna finish this dessert

[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]

Me: *nods in agreement*

Firing squad leader: Any last words?

Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha

Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice

A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.