Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.

My kid & I are trying to decide on a movie to watch while we eat s’mores in our blanket fort.

He suggested a horror movie & then tells me “I’ll call it horrs and smores!”

No, son, I don’t think we will call it that.

I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.

More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]

– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside

Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets

My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.

Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.

I’m totally failing parenting

Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo

Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.

At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

[a magic show]

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this…

[1 hour later]

…him: no

me: is this your card?

him: no

me: is this your card?

him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

Me: Everything ok?

My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*