Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
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My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
so i’m at the stock market right
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.