ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
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My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
pls suprot
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.