Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?

Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.

I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.

I wanted to drive around and enjoy the lights, but nooooo that cop insisted I pull over right away.

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.

How about daylight saves us for once

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale

Pretty good – Not good

Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks

It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going

Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life

Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks

I hope I’m not overthinking this.

(six days later)

Nah I’m probably not.

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.

subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

crochet youtube is brutal

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”

*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter

man i love columbo

I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.