ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
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astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.