Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

genie: wishes should be limited

monkeys paw: and come with consequences

shooting star: don’t forget rare

birthday candle: yeah and secret

dandelion: ok you guys need to relax

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.

Waffles make excellent pill organizers

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

i love fleetwood mac, but “thunder only happens when it’s raining” is just categorically untrue

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.

The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

Coworker: Cute dress!

Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown

Coworker: [avoids me]

God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.

Meow

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.

Chicken Widow: BUT WHY

Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong

Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home

Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors

My lamps:

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.

Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?

Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?

Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?