Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
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If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Love it! 👍😂
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Still a very good boi….
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”